If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
