i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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