Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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