I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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