At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
soo... how was my night?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize