He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
