At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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