i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
