i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
