During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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