I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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