May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
