Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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