Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
