I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
