My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
