Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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