There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
