i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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