: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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