Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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