i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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