that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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