Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
