someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
