i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
