The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
