What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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