I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
