Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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