R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
