dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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