i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
ttyl tear gas
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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