Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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