Betty ford says i'm here all night
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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