the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
