I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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