My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
