we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
