I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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