How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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