Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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