I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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