woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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