Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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