I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
