I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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