Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
