considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
