I showed him my bush... on skype.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Pants are for mortals
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
