he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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