we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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