I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
