i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
