I hate all girls vehemently.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
