sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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