im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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