Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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