Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
